Thank you. For trying to push past the wall I put up, for recognizing that I'm not okay sometimes, for caring. Nobody does that. Everyone who knows me and knows what I've been through thinks, "Oh, it's Allie, she's been through so much, she'll be okay." But truthfully, I do need people around me. I came to the startling realization the other day that I am nobody's priority anymore. Nobody has time for me unless it's convenient for them. I don't ask people for much because I can't stand burdening people. I'm the one who is there for everyone else. I'm the one who has listened to her best friend vent about her boyfriend multiple times a week for the past 14 months, I'm the one who is there any time of day to a friend who was sexually assaulted five months ago (I'm one of two people that she's comfortable being vulnerable in front of). But nobody stops to ask how I'm doing or if I'm okay or if I need a friend or someone to talk to. But the problem is that I do, and nobody realizes that because I put up a facade. Part of it also because I'm terrified of letting people in and putting my trust in someone because when your parents die on you and your "mom" turns out to be abusive, you develop some abandonment issues. I've never had someone consistently be a support for me, so it's really difficult for me to open up because I'm always let down in the end. So I've learned to not rely on people, not need or expect anything from anyone.
I'm not asking you to be this person and I'm sorry if this puts you in an odd place.
I don't know what this email is, truthfully, other than me being more honest than I've probably ever been, because I think you deserve honesty instead of me constantly saying, "I'm fine," and "don't worry about me," when I'm sure you know it's not true.
Allie
My hand is hovering over the send button.
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