if I get there before the snow flies, and if things are good, you could meet me if I sent you down the fare.

Now I want to go through and delete all those posts about how I'm infatuated~ with her. Because it's just me misinterpreting my feelings, I think. I just wanted to be closer.

And god, did I get a bit closer.

And now I'm sad and mopey because I thought maybe she'd ask me to stay or say something or do something more than fucking smile at me on my way out to walk out of your class for good. I mean, it's not like we're done because this is just a new beginning (IS IT SATURDAY YET OH MY GOD CAN I ADD YOU ON FACEBOOK YET?!?!?!)... I think. I hope? I really just wanted her number or I should have given her mine or something. I didn't say anything on the way out because I feel like if I opened my mouth  it would've come out something like, "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE RIGHT?"

I don't know I had a mini-meltdown last night in the "oh my god she's going to leave me please don't leave me don't leave me" kind of way. I hope she doesn't. Because this is the point where it could either go terribly wrong or terribly right. She's pulled me closer as I pushed her away, something no one has ever done before, so maybe she'll stick around. I just... I guess I don't trust that part of her yet. I trust her with my feelings and I'm okay feeling vulnerable around her but I don't trust her not to leave. I need to not need her like this because it'll drive me nuts.

I just want to be around her. I don't care about talking or whatever. I just wanna sit in a cafe with our iPads or something, idfk. Or like, I'd love to relax at home and she'll grade things and I'll do homework/study for finals and we'll talk occasionally or idk. I want her number because if I could just text her once in a while over this break, it'd be reassurance that she's going to keep in contact. I just want it to be next semester (okay that's kind of a lie currently) so I'll know where we stand.

I don't know. Ball's in her court. I hate that I'm going to be on campus tomorrow and so will she and I know she'll be in her stupid office while I have free time. And I hate that I'll want to wander over there but I'll literally have no reason. I saw her Monday. I saw her Tuesday, twice. I saw her today. I don't need to see her tomorrow, especially now that her class is over.