I gave you the moon and the stars to keep, but you gave them back to me.

I don't know why I keep going by your office when I know you're not there or what I hope to achieve by walking by if you are there. Maybe it's a comfort thing, just knowing you're close and I can reach out.

I didn't see you at all this week, and normally I see you twice a week. The next time I see you, it will have been twelve days. Normally, it's either one day in between or four. I don't deal we'll with distance and oh god what am I going to do in four more weeks? If it ended now, things would be really unresolved for me and it'd be terrible for my head.

I think I mostly want to know that you won't ever leave my life. I think that's what it is. I'm deathly afraid of losing contact at the end of the semester. I'm still working on the why but I know that I have problems with people leaving my life when I don't want them to. So now I hold on and now I try to force people into staying forever, or at least until I'm ready to let go.

It's funny because this was how I was with J. Now it's lessened when it comes to J, but it's transferred to you now. It's that same feeling of, "oh my god I want to spend time with you in every way possible and please please please don't leave my life until I tell you to."

Maybe I've just figured it out, right here and right now. Maybe it really is just severe abandonment issues and being so afraid of losing people I don't want to lose. And I don't know why I don't want to lose you, but I guess I can figure that out another time. All I know is I'm not ready to let go.

Maybe I use people, and that's what I did with J. I learned everything I could, got everything I could from her and now it was okay for her to leave my life. I'm done with what I needed from her, and vice versa. We'll always be friends/in touch/whatever, but I don't need her like I used to. There was a time where I literally lived for every Thursday night after class or Tuesday/Thursdays after her other classes.

I don't quite know what I want from D yet. Attention or friendship or just some sort of bond. I'm not entirely sure how to get that since she operates differently than some other people. She's friendly and open but I get this sense that she kind of puts a wall up and it's harder to connect with her on a personal level because of it.

I'm still really upset that I we didn't have class all week, though.